The Dark Side

I've finally decided that you can handle me. You can handle the burden of my past that haunts me every night. You've been nothing but supportive and brave for me every time something comes up. You say I don't realize how much you can help, but I do. Honestly, I've never told anyone as much about my past as I've told you. Not even H knows about the nightmares. She doesn't know about the therapy. Truly, I don't think she really wants to know. I mean, she'd want to know so she can be there for me, but she really doesn't want to know the true horror of it all. She wouldn't be able to contain her anger and her sadness for me. But you, you need to know. You want to know. H understands the way my mind works because she saw me go through the changes after him. She doesn't understand the reasoning behind all of it, however. But simply knowing my reactions and thought processes about things is enough for her to help others understand me. You want to know the inner workings of my mind, though. To do that, I need to tell you everything. I need to show you everything. I need a couple hours, laying next to you in bed, to describe what happened to me. I need to tell you how it started, how I fell in love for the first time with him. How my parents saw this potential in him to be a horrible person, but kept it to themselves because then, I was happy. How what I put my parents through after he became horrible killed me inside. How they begged me to leave him, how they hurt when they heard me crying and giving in to him through my closed door every night. And though it may hurt me, I need you to hear about what went through my mind every time I found myself lying on his bedroom floor, every time I was too weak to fight him on his bed, and every time my friends asked me what was going on. Hearing these words may anger you, hurt you, or sadden you, but you need to hear them. You need to hear of my escape from under his grasp, my devastating discovery of the truth, the truth that he didn't love me. And finally, you need to hear of my deepest, darkest secret. There is one thing that you don't know, that you may never understand about me. Something that I've kept since the beginning of all of this. My one true weakness. The thing that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. You need to see it. It's my reason for hanging on for so long. I'm ready to let you in, darling. Are you ready to see my mind, my heart?