My head is currently a horrible place to be.

Well, that's what we do; we fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two-second rebound rate and then you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever.
-The Notebook

*I just wanna say here that I know that every girl wants that "Notebook romance" and it's all girly and giggly and all that bullshit. But really, everyone deserves that kind of romance. Because it's not like fairytales. At all. It's not some handsome guy that comes to save the girl. She doesn't need saving. She'd be perfectly happy marrying the weird-faced guy that talks like a hick and wears fancy clothes. It'd be dandy. But it wouldn't be fun. And it wouldn't require any effort at all. If that's what some of you girls decide on, so be it. But I'd like to have fun. I'd like to have paintball fights, throw shit at each other, yell and fight. And I don't want to be with someone who agrees on everything I say and who is afraid of hurting my feelings. I don't want someone to be afraid of telling me I'm wrong, because I'm wrong a lot of the time. So I've found my Notebook romance, as dumb as it sounds. And babe, one day, you will see this movie. I promise.

I keep it real and that's a promise. I may be a bitch, but at least I'm honest.

He completes me. He's my other half. His heart loves me even at my worst, and his arms hold me at my weakest. He's my superman, but better yet, he's my man.
*mine*

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get further in life.

But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark there may be fear, but there is also hope.

I see you, full of sadness
Wondering bout this world we've made
There's a space between us all
Love has seen some better days

Well I know you wouldn't understand it
Didn't know what I should say or do
And it wasn't quite the way I planned it
But I had to find a way to you

Short. No pictures. Eh.

I've always loved you more then I should have. I've always felt the fall too much, and read into everything too much. I'm scared to death of us, and I can only hope you're either completely sure or just as scared as I am.
*mine*

My theory was that if I kept my distance maybe you would see what you're missing.

I just want to be the girl you talk about, the only one you couldn't live without. To be the one who makes your heart beat crazy, and for you to say to your boys, "She's my baby."

If she loves you, if she really loves you, you'll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it's not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for while you were away, if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning "to talk", if she laughs at your jokes when they're funny and makes fun of you when they're not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for you when you come over, if she tells you how much she wishes she were closer to her brother and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you. Of course she loves you.

So please, just be patient. I'm so afraid to care about someone.  I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I'm very fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

I don't look for love. I was simply attracted to him; I liked the way he looked, moved and spoke. I liked the way he thought and the way he was. And somehow, without my heart making sure it was okay with me first, I fell in love with him. I told him, and he ran away from me. I accepted that and lived my life. I hoped he'd come back to me, but I never begged, and I never bothered him. Eventually, he realized he missed me. And later on, he realized he loved me. And then he became okay with loving me. And now we're simply living day to day, making no plans for the distant future. We're okay with staying together until it simply doesn't work for us anymore. And if we work together for the rest of our lives, so be it. If we don't, that's too bad, but it was amazing while it lasted.
*mine*

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets. I wish for the whole truth every time you speak. And I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me as I watch you arise, smoke cigars, sleep. And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem, you stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans. Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough and I swear I'm gonna cry, I'm sick of trying to be tough.

You know what? Yes, I know you're a flirt. But when I see you chatting with some girl across the room, it disgusts me. I used to be like that, and at time, I still am. I've tried my damn hardest to control my flirtatious side. Jealousy isn't a fun emotion, and you already know I hate being angry. I know I can't change you, but I feel that I'm in the right to ask you to try. This will be the last time I ask you to try not to full-on flirt around me. It's not an ultimatum; it's a request. I'm not saying it's the last time I'll talk about it, and it's definitely not the last time I'll be upset about it. But I won't ask you again. Just know that it makes me feel replaceable, unwanted, and hurt. And logic is no match for feelings, darling.
*mine*

Music = Love

So I decided to listen to some country tonight, and I went into kinda not expecting much. I'm not really a fan of country music. BUT. This song makes me smile, and I enjoyed listening and thinking about my boy and how we're still getting to know each other. Although I think he and I are mostly past this stage since we spend a lot of nights together. But still. Good song. and it goes like this:


My oh my, you're so good looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

Do you pour a little something on the rocks?
Slide down the hallway in your socks?
When you undress, do you leave a path
Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?

My oh my, you're so good looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know

Do you break things when you get mad?
Eat a box of chocolates cause you're feeling bad?
Do you paint your toes cause you bite your nails?
Call up momma when all else fails?

Who are you when I'm not around
When the door is locked and the shades are down?
Do you listen to your music quietly?
And when it feels just right, are you thinking of me?

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know

My oh my, you're so good looking
But who are you when I'm not looking?

Aaaaaand I would put a video up here of the song, but Youtube is gay. So here's the link. If you care enough, haha. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xXD9-1mLBY

Weekend.

The best way to get unstuck is to kick yourself in the ass.

Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.

I must learn to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, love and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

I don't want to be just another memory.

And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you."

He loved her, of course. But better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.

Communication. That's what it all comes down to. Lack of communication, too much communication, the wrong form of communication. The tiniest things make the biggest differences when it comes down to communication.
*mine* 

But I'm growing scared and anxious and he feels it. And I know this, but I can't make him feel secure. We both do this. We critique the relationship in our heads. And when we're thinking of jumping ship on the other person, we are very quiet, because subconsciously we want them to know something's up. We want them to be prepared; because we feel so guilty for considering that this- we- might not work.

No one can change a person, but a person can be the reason someone changes.

You mean the world to me and I hope I make that obvious every day.
*Exactly*

The Dark Side

I've finally decided that you can handle me. You can handle the burden of my past that haunts me every night. You've been nothing but supportive and brave for me every time something comes up. You say I don't realize how much you can help, but I do. Honestly, I've never told anyone as much about my past as I've told you. Not even H knows about the nightmares. She doesn't know about the therapy. Truly, I don't think she really wants to know. I mean, she'd want to know so she can be there for me, but she really doesn't want to know the true horror of it all. She wouldn't be able to contain her anger and her sadness for me. But you, you need to know. You want to know. H understands the way my mind works because she saw me go through the changes after him. She doesn't understand the reasoning behind all of it, however. But simply knowing my reactions and thought processes about things is enough for her to help others understand me. You want to know the inner workings of my mind, though. To do that, I need to tell you everything. I need to show you everything. I need a couple hours, laying next to you in bed, to describe what happened to me. I need to tell you how it started, how I fell in love for the first time with him. How my parents saw this potential in him to be a horrible person, but kept it to themselves because then, I was happy. How what I put my parents through after he became horrible killed me inside. How they begged me to leave him, how they hurt when they heard me crying and giving in to him through my closed door every night. And though it may hurt me, I need you to hear about what went through my mind every time I found myself lying on his bedroom floor, every time I was too weak to fight him on his bed, and every time my friends asked me what was going on. Hearing these words may anger you, hurt you, or sadden you, but you need to hear them. You need to hear of my escape from under his grasp, my devastating discovery of the truth, the truth that he didn't love me. And finally, you need to hear of my deepest, darkest secret. There is one thing that you don't know, that you may never understand about me. Something that I've kept since the beginning of all of this. My one true weakness. The thing that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. You need to see it. It's my reason for hanging on for so long. I'm ready to let you in, darling. Are you ready to see my mind, my heart?

Bestie :)

So my bestest friend ever is coming to see me in like, half an hour. And I'm super excited. I hate being here, so her visiting is going to get me through the rest of this week, haha. Plus, I have the best boy ever loving me. So I'm happy. And I'm trying my very best to stay that way. :)

Quotes.

If it's love, you'll watch him make all the wrong choices and wait for him to make the right one.

It's completely impossible to find a guy that won't hurt you. So instead, go for the guy who will make the pain worthwhile.

Yeah, I do talk to other guys. I laugh with other guys and I hug other guys. But don't you think for a second that any of them mean as much to me as you do.
*I might as well have written this, haha

Who would have thought that someone like me could have fallen in love so easily.

She yells because she cares and she cries because she's frustrated; she just wants to fix the problem. She randomly smiles because she's thinking of you, even if you're sitting right next to her. She clinches her fists because she's about to explode, not because she's constipated. She hits you because she wants to touch you; she's flirting. She stares at you because she's infatuated. She calls every half hour because she misses you. She lectures you because she's the boss, not your mom. She kisses you because she wants to. She asks you millions of questions because she's curious, she's not trying to be annoying. She wants to know where you are so she can be with you; she's not trying to keep tabs on you. She calls just to hear your voice, even though she hates talking on the phone. She walks beside you to hold your hand. She sits close to you to lean her head on your shoulder. She stands in front of you because she wants a hug. Just face it, babe; she's in love with you.
*You better read this

As he took my hand in the dark, I wasn't lost anymore. I was free, and I was his.

You tell me you don't want to hurt me. That means so much, you have no idea. But part of being in love is taking that chance, isn't it? I mean you've already hurt me once. You lied to me. We got over it and through it together. I need you to know that you and I will both make mistakes. But I also need you to see that just because we mess up doesn't mean it's over. Just because we hurt each other doesn't mean we can't fix it.
*mine*

When I distance myself from you, it's not because I don't care. It's because I'm afraid that I care too much.

I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared into my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.

I'm not proud of everything I've done, but I'm pretty sure I'd do it all again.

Chosen

So I've been feeling kind of blah lately. I partied the night I was supposed to be coming back to school, and left in the morning - skipping all my classes that day - instead. I was with my boyfriend that night, and we were tipsy. We're both flirts, and we get it. He flirts with cashiers when he's buying me earrings and and blows smoke into chicks faces, and I check out his friend while he's playing the saxophone and touch another guys abs. It all sounds terrible put that way, but that's the way it is. We're just wired that way. But regardless of the stupid things we do, we love each other. I know he loves me, I know it's a fact and there's no doubting it. At the end of the night it was me he laid down on the couch with, it was me that he held and comforted until he fell asleep, and it was me that he woke up next to in the morning. I know he's with me and that he chooses me over all the other girls he knows. But knowing isn't enough. A lot of the time, I don't feel like he chooses me. A lot of the time I feel like the security blanket. The one who's always going to be sitting in the chair he left me in to go outside and smoke stupid cigars. The one still sitting in the chair while he's over smoking hookah and blowing the smoke in some other girls' face. I'm always there when he decides to look over and smile at me, reassuring me that he at least knows I'm still there. And when I get up to go to the bathroom, he's uneasy that I'm suddenly gone, but he knows I'll come back. I always do. And you know why I always come back? It's that smile that comes across his face when he sees me walk into the room. That's when I know he loves me and wants me around. But I'm afraid of becoming His girlfriend. I'm afraid that I'll become nameless, invisible, and that he'll become my whole world. I can't go there again, can't be like that again. I'm not sure that's where this is headed, but it feels that way sometimes. When I'm with him, I don't feel like I'm being walked on. I stand up for myself and keep him in line. But when I look back at things, I sometimes see that I let him do things that make me unhappy. I just don't know. I feel uneasy.

Take Over, The Break's Over

I <3 Fall Out Boy. Just saying.


What I meant to say was, sometimes I stare at the cigarette in my hand and beg it to stop wasting it's time and just kill me. But I figured you didn't want to hear that.

Why do I care? I care because I've known you for two weeks and I feel like I've known you for two years. I care because you're the only one I can talk to without feeling judged, or misplaced. Or labeled or whatever. I care because when I look at you, I feel happy. Not the kind of happy that lasts a couple hours. The kind of happy that I know will be guaranteed for, well as long as I'm with you. I care about you because I know you care about me. Well actually I don't know because you're so hard to read. But for once it's great; I know that everything will be okay. But that's only if I know for sure that you care. If not, then fuck everything, you know?

I love that you know me. I love your facial expressions. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you want to tell me things. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love that we have the same sense of humor. I love that we're on the same wavelength. I love the friendly, and not so friendly, flirting. I love our conversations. I love that you care, even if it's not the normal kind of care. I love that you're never awkward around me. I love how you smell and how it lingers on my clothes. I love your hugs and how they're warm and safe. I love the way your eyes light up when you're excited. I love how you're such a geek sometimes. I love that I'm your favorite. I love the way our hands fit together. I love that you're concerned about me. I love that you make me do that cliche sigh. I love how you make me burst into fits of laughter, because you really are funny to me. I love how you trust me, even if it is only when we're within 20 miles of each other. I love when you're close by. I love that I'm able to know you. I love you.
*mine*

Once you've taken a few punches and realized you're not made of glass, you don't feel alive unless you're pushing yourself as far as you can go.

I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim and maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time getting there. I'm not in a rush. Because I'm a turtle."

They risked all they had, which is as much as anyone can do.

She was never happier than when she was lying in his arms, her fingers linked with his.

Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Everything inside you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going.

I just don't feel ready. I feel like I'm standing on the ledge, looking down at something beautiful. I know all I have to do is fall into it, and I'd be full of joy and completely blown away. But I don't have the faith that it'll still be there after I let myself fall. Like it was just a facade, a pretty picture to get me to fall and then the reality is all thorns and things that will hurt me.
*mine*

I can live without you, but without you, I'd be miserable at best.

Spring Break

So I'm on Spring Break this week, and sadly most of my friends are not. I'm trying so desperately to make plans and fit everyone and everything I want to do in. It's been crazy. And it's basically on first come first serve terms, haha. Besides that I have to work around various appointments, and it's driving me a lil crazy if I'm being honest. I hate making plans, and to see my friends, that's what I have to do. Anyway, amazing news is that my best friend and I just applied and reserved an apartment for next fall. We're so excited to finally be living together! It's going to be fantastic! :)

The heart grows weaker every time we do something opposite of what we feel.

Falling in love is like a punch in the face. You have no idea when it's going to happen.

I love the way you look at me when I say something stupid. It's like you're about to get mad, and then all of the sudden, you smile.

If there's one thing you should never promise me, it's that you'll never hurt me. That's just not possible. People get angry, and when people are angry they say things to intentionally hurt other people. So go ahead and say them. I'm a tough person, I can take it. Besides, I know you don't mean it - you're just mad. I want you to get mad at me, fight with me, and hurt me. But I want you to promise me you'll always say you're sorry and hold me when I cry. I'll always forgive you, no matter how long it takes.
*mine*

Kiss me in sweet slow motion; let's let everything slide. You got me floating, you got me flying.

If I had a British accent, I'd never shut up.

I have a boy that tells me that he can't stop thinking about me. I have a boy that sings to me, even though his voice sometimes cracks and he sounds like a dying bird. I have a boy that knows exactly how to lie to me, but would never dream of it. Because lying to me means losing me, and he's gone too far to lose me now.
*mine*

I'm sorry sometimes I get a little jealous, thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could. I guess it's my insecurities acting up because I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest or most fun and exciting girl. But I know that no matter how hard you look, you'll never find somebody that loves you like I do.

He was looking at me, and it was a strange, intense look, like he was trying to see inside me.

The bad thing about falling to pieces is that it hurts. The good thing about it is that once you're lying there in shards, you've got nothing left to protect and so you have no reason not to be honest.

I want you, I need you to let me in. I'm begging you to give me your trust. I can be your shoulder to lean on. I can bring you back up from the depths of your sadness. Just let me be the one you talk to. I won't say a thing if I don't need to. I'll stroke your hair and kiss your forehead. Just please let me into your mind.
*mine*

Hey guess what? You don't even know me. You don't know why I did what I did. You weren't there to know everything that happened. All you know is what you've heard. But ultimately, what I did was my decision, not yours. So talk about me all you want, keep my name out there for now. But remember that it's my life you're talking about.

I pretend you're here with me every night. I think about that smile you give me when you think that I'm cute. I long for the kisses you place all over me. Most of all, I miss your eyes. The ones that show everything you're feeling, everything you're struggling to say. I miss the way you look at me. I miss the stare that I can't get away from. I miss the way you make me angry and happy at the same time. I miss you.
*mine*

I realized something. I need you, I trust you, I admire you, and I want you. And you can be wrong a lot of the time, and we can fight and get mad at each other. But nothing, nothing in this world can change the fact that I love you.

I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can...

So I haven't updated in a while. I dunno why, really. I've just been kinda blah lately, I suppose. I miss my baby, and it's making schoolwork really hard to do. It's making everything hard to do, really. I just want the semester to be over so I can be back home. I hate it here. I hate taking an english class that won't even count at the university I'm transferring to. It's bullshit. but I have to pass it so I can actually get into the university I want this time.
Anyway, quotes and pics for ya.

I want someone who won't care that I hate wearing shoes, that I'm incapable on sitting still, that I can't grasp the concept of cleaning, and I refuse to be ladylike. Someone who realizes that half the decisions I make are usually ones I regret, and I have the right to overreact at any given moment. I want someone who knows how completely insane I am, and he wouldn't want me any other way.

I tried so hard. You know that, right? I tried harder than you could ever imagine, and now here I am, trying my best just to forget everything. Every piece of you, the way you smell, the feel of your skin. I can still feel you in my dreams. I fear I always will.

Just once, I want to experience that scene from a movie where the two main characters that are totally in love but don't know it yet are fighting. She pushes him, and he reacts by pushing her up against a wall, his hands on either side of her head. There's a pause... he doesn't know what happened, he feels he has no control... and then he kisses her. Passionately. Like he can't stand not touching her, not feeling her, for one more second. That's what I want.
*mine*

She's the girl that believes what comes around goes around. The one that hopes for a better day. The one that won't give up on you. She's the girl that's unlike the rest. The one that spends her days smiling, and her nights crying. She's the girl that would love to be loved. The one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. She's the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.

The kind of magic where one person's smile will set a spark off in your heart.

There’s this minor worry in the back of my head. It’s not a big deal, just something that makes my stomach drop at times. You keep saying that you’ve never felt this way about another girl before, and it’s amazing, it is. I love to hear that I’m the only girl to ever make you feel the way you do. You have no idea how happy that makes me. But it’s also terrifying. I’ve felt like that before. I’ve been with someone who makes me feel much, much more than anyone before him. And he and I, we’re not together anymore. You make me feel something completely different, just like he did. It’s not the same way I felt about him though, it’s completely different. It’s magical, crazy, and I don’t know what to do besides be with you and try to show you how happy you make me and how much I love you. Make sure you know that. But it’s another Different. And I’m worried that I’m just your first Different. 

*mine* 

Sometimes, life hands you a chance. It hands you something amazing, you almost think it's a dream, but no matter how much you pinch yourself, you don't wake up. It's moments like those that make life really worth living, because no matter how hard times get, there are always those miracle moments that lift you back on your feet.

If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie. 

The moment you asked me to pinky promise something to you was the very moment I stopped doubting that we were supposed to be together. No one else has ever had the same meaning behond a pinky promise that I have, until I met you.

*mine*

What I want is to be needed. what I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, and my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

Forever has no meaning when you're living in the moment.