happily ever after. the big lie.

It's been said that seeing is believing. But the fact is, we all have our blind spots. Sometimes we recognize them ourselves. Sometimes others recognize them for us. Distance has a way of distorting the things we see. But what appears as an obstacle may in fact be an opportunity. The trick is having enough faith to carry through.

I need a man. A true man. One who looks real tough, but won't make me cry. I need that kinda guy who understands and even when he's with his boys, he still says, "Baby, hold my hand." I don't want to fall to the ground. I want to fall in love.

I thought you'd come and go. I never thought that you would stay. I'm sorry if I tried to push you away.

Hatred is the best expression of love because you would never hate someone who has done something wrong to you unless that person meant something to you.

And every one of our attempted conversations ends with me in your arms, our lips pressed together. Every one of our attempts at being friendly ends with us realizing that we can't be "just friends."

You call me impulsive but that's what makes us so explosive.

When it comes to the head verses heart war, I always choose to listen to my head. True, it has cost me loved ones and romantic moments like that prom night when he looked down at me and lifted my chin up with his fingers. Instead of letting him kiss me, I walked away. I drive home, ignoring his phone calls. I quietly lay in bed with my dress still on, my hair falling from it's perfect styling, and cried, with the ringtone I'd picked for him playing in the background. I cried because my head always won. Even when my heart strained to make me turn around, I couldn't. My heart was a dangerous thing and I couldn't ever let it win again.
*mine*

In order to be irreplaceable you must always be different.

Which is worse? The heart breaker who won't stop calling or the brokenhearted that keeps picking up?

Now I don't like using words like forever, but I will love you until the end of today, and in the morning when I wake up and remember everything you are, I know I'll fall for you all over again.

Quick Thought

What cost anything? Would you trade love for beauty? Or happiness for beauty? Could a gorgeous person with a mean streak be a worthy trade? And if you did make that trade, decide you'd take that beautiful person and hope they wouldn't turn on you, what would you do if they did?

Trouble is a friend of mine

Unfortunately, sometimes the truth makes everything else a lie.

I'm a lover and a fighter. I get angry easily, but I'm working on it. I have a weakness for sweet talkers, but I'm learning and enforcing my boundaries. I don;t let many people in, but once they're in, they're there forever. I'm strong and independent and I've been broken, but never shattered.

I can't promise you a relationship without arguments over our differences and trust issues, however, I can promise you that as long as you're trying, I'm staying.

Depression is not a sign of weakness; it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long.

In my next life, I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on top, larger quarters every day and then, Voila! You finish off as an orgasm.

The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself and know what it is that you want.

I don't want a boy to kiss the ground I walk on; I don't need all that. I don't want a boy to treat my like I'm a princess; none of that is real. I just want a boy that's honest and knows how to be faithful to me. Someone who understands how I feel. Someone who understands me.

I won't mess with your head or play with your heart. I'm a real girl and I finish what I start.

For the first time, I've found someone I hate leaving. I've found someone that I can't get enough of. I've found someone that accepts me for who I am and doesn't tell me I need to change.

My world crumbles when you're not here.
*my boy*

You said you loved me, you're a liar

There was something so heavy about the burden of history, of the past. I wasn't sure I had it in me to keep looking back.

That girl was different from who I was now, more whole and unbroken and okay than the one I saw in the mirror these days. I'd just thought I was the only one who noticed.

Once, the difference between light and dark had been basic. One was good, one bad. Suddenly, though, things weren't so clear. The dark was still a mystery, something hidden, something to be scared of, but I'd come to fear the light, too. It was where everything was revealed, or seemed to be revealed.

I had no illusions about love anymore. It came, it went, it left casualties or it didn't.  People weren't meant to be together forever, regardless of what the songs say.

And the sick thing? In a way, I was almost happy to see her: the worst part of me, out in the flesh. Blinking back at me in the dim light, daring me to call her a name other than my own.

I didn't trot my pain out to show around. I kept it better hidden than anyone.

Because I didn't show weakness: I didn't depend on anyone. And if he'd been like the others, and just let me go, I would have been fine. It would have been easy to go on conveniently forgetting as I kept my heart clenched tight, away from where anyone could get to it.

But instead I found myself gritting my teeth, riding the wave of my natural anxiety, because this wasn't permanent, me and him, and to think so would only hurt both of us.

The past was so sticky, full of land mines: I made it a point, usually, not to be so detailed in the map of myself I handed over to a guy.

The only way to truly reach me was to sneak up, crash in, bust past the barricades on the equivalent of a kamikaze mission, end result unknown.

Being apart ain't easy on this love affair

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get further in life.

There's something there all right, but you left first because you're afraid to have a connection with him, to become attached, to have your heart broken all over again. You've gotten so close to him, but you back off and leave him wondering how and why you did it. You thought it wasn't worth it, when at the back of your mind, you're also wondering what could have been if you had stayed.

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

I never let myself need anybody. Ever.

Love. It comes with a lot of expectations. But when your love is true, there is no need for expectations, you just know.

He knew it would take more than an apology to get you back. He'd have to conquer the world first. He's been trying ever since.

And the player fell for the girl who had just a little more game.


Can I relive every moment since I said I loved you? It's been pretty nice.
*my boy*



 Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart your insides at any given moment was enough to keep me running. He, however, made my insides come alive. My smile became permanent and my laughter was more frequent. He took away my fear and gave me hope. But more importantly, for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, he gave me a reason to stay. 

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around

But the fact that I was angry and scared, that was my secret to keep. They didn't get to have that, too. It was all mine.

But when you're alone in the world, really alone, you have no choice but to be open to suggestions.

This life was fleeting, and I was still searching for the way I wanted to spend it that would make me happy, full, okay again.

It's all in the view. For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. You can never know for sure, so you'd better make every second count.

You know how I stay sane through the weeks of not seeing you? I think about the day we met, how there was one comment - one beginning of a conversation - we looked up at each other, and we just knew. We hid it from each other, of course. But we connected like I've never connected with anyone before. All it took was that one shift together and I never wanted to be without you again. Every time you looked at me it felt like you could see right through me. Like you got me. We were on the same wavelength and it was scary, sure, but it was beyond amazing too. So when I'm in my darkest hour, tossing and turning in my bed, I think of that first day together - the beginning of us. I love you.

*mine*

Here was a boy who liked flaws, who saw them not as failings but as strengths. Who knew such a person could even exist?

He was the one person I could count on, unequivocally, to say exactly what he meant, no hedging around. He has no idea, I was sure, how much I appreciated it.

You don't need anything. Not a girlfriend, not a friend. You were always so clear about that. And that's what you got. So why are you surprised now?

Through my tears, I could hear her saying it was all going to be okay, and I knew she believed this. But I was sure of something too; it's a lot easier to be lost than found. It's the reason we're always searching, and rarely discovered - so many locks, not enough keys.

Right now I want a word that describes the feeling you get - a cold, sick feeling deep down inside - when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don't want it to, but you can't stop it. And you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after; a was and a will be. And that you will never again be quite the same person you were.

Everything you do is super fucking cute

Because we were strangers. Everything was a discovery; this unknown person who could do or think anything.

Don't lie about your happiness. If you're sad, you're sad. In fact, don't lie at all. Tell the truth.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, or a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours.

When you see your best friend for the first time in what feels like forever, your heart literally jumps with you when you grab her into a hug. No one else matters but you and her, and catching up and letting the other know how empty it's been without her.

No matter where I am, I am always loving you.

That's why love is madness. It's too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart.

I tried so hard not to fall for you. You wouldn't believe how hard I tried to stay away from you. Especially after Date Night, when you ran off to see the girl you were "slightly" dating. In the middle of the movie. I tried to stay away from you. I tried not to talk to you. But you wouldn't let it go, you had to talk to me. You had to make me smile and laugh. No matter how hard I tried to resist, I kept getting pulled under until there was no hope. I was caught. I did my fair share of "slightly" dating too, I know. But I was holding on to him because I knew he wouldn't hurt me. But I couldn't stay away from you, so I let him go. I couldn't keep him and want you. I couldn't hurt him like that. And then, when I was ready to be pulled under, all of the sudden you threw me back. All of the sudden I was too scary, too much for you to handle. So again, I tried to get away from you. Weeks later, you asked me why we hadn't talked in a while even though you pushed me away. You basically told me to get over you, that we couldn't be anything more than friends. And yet, weak little me came running back. No hesitation. Do you know why? Because no matter how hard I tried, I loved you. You were still the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep and the first person in my head when I woke up. I still love you. I hate the way you talk to me sometimes and I can't believe some of the shit I put up with, but I love you. And I don't want to be with anybody else.

*mine, obviously*

I never wanted anything other than to be your everything.

What made us so afraid?

Dark and Twisty

When someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them.

The best way to get unstuck is to give yourself a kick in the ass.

Just for the record, the weather today is warm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.

An expensive and unique piece of machinery deserves expert handling and constant care.

Maybe sometimes people don't actually change. Maybe you just never knew who they really were.

Success depends on your backbone, not your wishbone.

You're not sorry for what you did. You're sorry you got caught.

Just because you didn't speak the facts out loud didn't erase their existence. Silence is just a quieter way to lie.

You make it sound like I'm asking too much, but I know guys who would do much more for my attention.

To get to a woman's heart, a man must first use his own.

I'm afraid to admit that I think I'm becoming dark and twisty. Cynical and bitter. Unable to love and accept love in return. Anger has gotten the best of me, and right now, I don't have the strength to fight it. So if you need me, if you really need me, come and save me. Because as of right now, I'm letting myself drown.
*mine*

On my way to normal again

Hug the hurt, kiss the broken, befriend the lost, and love the lonely.

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

Run outside during a thunderstorm. That downpour, that conquered hesitation, that exhilaration; that's what unlonely is like.

I can be your hero. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.

If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart then break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me then just let me fall. If you're going to stay then stay forever, and if you want to leave then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk please mean what you say.

She loves him more than he will ever know. He loves her more than he will ever show.

It sucks to see people flirt with the person you're in love with. It sucks even more to see them flirt back. It makes you question how they feel about you. It makes you question if everything was and still is a lie. It makes your heart ache inside. It makes your whole body feel pain.

Here I am again, doing things I said I wouldn't do. It's 1am and I'm rushing out the door to see you. Waiting all day, but now you wanna call me. Why do you do this to me all the time?

It's like, all of the sudden the very thing I feared the most became the very thing I craved. I was so afraid to fall, to make a mistake, to get hurt. But suddenly, like a slap in the face, I realized I avoided it because it was something I truly treasured, not feared. I was so afraid of losing love that I didn't even want to find it. But now all I could do was laugh and throw my hands out wide because I finally knew what I wanted. I wanted to fall deeply, madly in love with you.
*mine*

Scars remind us of where we've been. They don't dictate where we're going.