Chosen

So I've been feeling kind of blah lately. I partied the night I was supposed to be coming back to school, and left in the morning - skipping all my classes that day - instead. I was with my boyfriend that night, and we were tipsy. We're both flirts, and we get it. He flirts with cashiers when he's buying me earrings and and blows smoke into chicks faces, and I check out his friend while he's playing the saxophone and touch another guys abs. It all sounds terrible put that way, but that's the way it is. We're just wired that way. But regardless of the stupid things we do, we love each other. I know he loves me, I know it's a fact and there's no doubting it. At the end of the night it was me he laid down on the couch with, it was me that he held and comforted until he fell asleep, and it was me that he woke up next to in the morning. I know he's with me and that he chooses me over all the other girls he knows. But knowing isn't enough. A lot of the time, I don't feel like he chooses me. A lot of the time I feel like the security blanket. The one who's always going to be sitting in the chair he left me in to go outside and smoke stupid cigars. The one still sitting in the chair while he's over smoking hookah and blowing the smoke in some other girls' face. I'm always there when he decides to look over and smile at me, reassuring me that he at least knows I'm still there. And when I get up to go to the bathroom, he's uneasy that I'm suddenly gone, but he knows I'll come back. I always do. And you know why I always come back? It's that smile that comes across his face when he sees me walk into the room. That's when I know he loves me and wants me around. But I'm afraid of becoming His girlfriend. I'm afraid that I'll become nameless, invisible, and that he'll become my whole world. I can't go there again, can't be like that again. I'm not sure that's where this is headed, but it feels that way sometimes. When I'm with him, I don't feel like I'm being walked on. I stand up for myself and keep him in line. But when I look back at things, I sometimes see that I let him do things that make me unhappy. I just don't know. I feel uneasy.