Sometimes, when you love someone that much, not even the truth can change that.
I've learned that when it hurts too much inside your heart, it always has a way of showing; no matter how many masks you wear.
Sometimes walking away says, "I don't care." Sometimes it says, "I'm not willing to fight for us," and "I'm not willing to make an effort to keep you around." But sometimes, walking away says, "I'm sorry, I just can't fight any harder for us." It says, "I've given everything I have and I can't stay because I'm empty now."
*mine*
It's the possibility that keeps us going, not the guarantee.
He was beautiful in the kind of way that was untouchable, yet somehow I was allowed to kiss him. He was the kind of guy that every girl wanted, and I was the one lucky enough to fall asleep with him nightly. He was perfect in every single way, and I was the one who got to be called perfect by him. I was lucky enough to fall in love with the best guy, and was lucky enough to have him fall in love with me too.
*this one is especially for you*
When you go through something like that, you do this thing where you stop making plans. Because you had plans but then something happened - they left, they changed - and your plans disappeared so you just try to get from sunup to sundown. That's as far into the future as you can handle.
You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and the flirting and the chasing and the teasing and the stupid games and obvious issues, who cared?! I was done. I told you I loved you, and you left me. You chose to run away. You chose to be alone and with her. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
It's easy to suggest a quick solution when you don't know much about the problem or you don't understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that's not what people want to hear... We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix.
It's the not knowing that does it. Not knowing if he's okay. Not knowing if he's coming back. I mean, it's not knowing if I'm single that makes me want to throw up all day long.
If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are.
*
Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is leftover when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.
You weren't part of the plan I had in mind. But I don't see how that was ever possible because without you, I wouldn't be getting closer and closer to becoming who I want to be. With you, I'm going to achieve every dream I've ever had. So being without you is never a possibility for the way my life is going to turn out.
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